Would I still have done it?

I guess I'm in such a hard, sad, alone place, the place I always cry about in Dr. Suess's "Oh, The Places You'll Go!"

The surgeon gave me the impression this surgery would be a relatively easy recovery. It hasn't been. Instead of biking and swimming to get back into shape, pain relieved, ready to go! it's PT three times a week. This is a huge commitment for me, who had one or two appointments a week to having four to six in the next few weeks. My goal was to take it a single day at a time, but I'm already wearing out. I had no idea that bending over to sort out some laundry would be a trial, and hence totally restricted right now. Or that I'd still be on a five pound lifting restriction, and that even five pounds multiple times a day causes massive pain.

I didn't have a choice, but it feels like just another in my long list of failed treatments- chiro, PT round one, several different injections, radio frequency treatment, and now surgery.

I feel totally awkward when I walk in there- what am I doing wrong? I put my best effort forward, I do what they ask, I don't complain, except to tell them something hurts when they ask. I have told them at every session that electrical stim wakes up the pain in my leg, but they put me on it and then I walk out in pain. If there's a method to that madness, I'd like to know it, or otherwise an alternative, it certainly would be cool if they'd bring it out.

My last time there, Monday, I had a different therapist who asked if my regular therapist had talked to me about water therapy. I said I hate going in to water. It's hard to change my clothes when I get out, and painful, as is drying off. Pushed back. I explained, tried to explain, that it's so hard for me to even get out of bed and get dressed in the morning. It's a miracle to me that I show up on time and dressed appropriately. Asking more of me is really just crushing for me! And yet, she puts me on the stim again, and ten minutes later the buzzer goes off, and a different therapist who has never worked with me before is demanding I try aqua therapy. I have no idea why this woman thought it was okay to butt in, why her opinion was more valuable than someone else's, or why she's being pushy with me. I was told by my surgeon to not do anything painful or beyond me, not to do anything that involved pushing or pulling weight with my torso. But instead I already feel the labels forming in everyone's heads that I am resistant, that I'm not following the best course of treatment, that I'm difficult to treat and deal with. I chose the PT provider very carefully based on reviews and location (because I knew if I went farther than five miles from home, I wouldn't make it). I even do some of the exercises at home on my own.

I'm really hurting physically, and also exhausted all around. And right when I need lifting up the most, people are falling away, not responding to messages, not taking calls, sure I could do that with you and then not showing up. When you smile, the world smiles with you but damned right I cry very much alone. and yeah, if my mom was here, things would be so much different. But she's not, and we've got nothing but a bunch of broken promises.

I can't wait to see this new doctor, new primary. Hopefully he'll be willing to stick with me and find out why I'm so tired. Who knows, maybe he'll even find something in the charts Dr. Drive Thru missed.