Would I still have done it?

I guess I'm in such a hard, sad, alone place, the place I always cry about in Dr. Suess's "Oh, The Places You'll Go!"

The surgeon gave me the impression this surgery would be a relatively easy recovery. It hasn't been. Instead of biking and swimming to get back into shape, pain relieved, ready to go! it's PT three times a week. This is a huge commitment for me, who had one or two appointments a week to having four to six in the next few weeks. My goal was to take it a single day at a time, but I'm already wearing out. I had no idea that bending over to sort out some laundry would be a trial, and hence totally restricted right now. Or that I'd still be on a five pound lifting restriction, and that even five pounds multiple times a day causes massive pain.

I didn't have a choice, but it feels like just another in my long list of failed treatments- chiro, PT round one, several different injections, radio frequency treatment, and now surgery.

I feel totally awkward when I walk in there- what am I doing wrong? I put my best effort forward, I do what they ask, I don't complain, except to tell them something hurts when they ask. I have told them at every session that electrical stim wakes up the pain in my leg, but they put me on it and then I walk out in pain. If there's a method to that madness, I'd like to know it, or otherwise an alternative, it certainly would be cool if they'd bring it out.

My last time there, Monday, I had a different therapist who asked if my regular therapist had talked to me about water therapy. I said I hate going in to water. It's hard to change my clothes when I get out, and painful, as is drying off. Pushed back. I explained, tried to explain, that it's so hard for me to even get out of bed and get dressed in the morning. It's a miracle to me that I show up on time and dressed appropriately. Asking more of me is really just crushing for me! And yet, she puts me on the stim again, and ten minutes later the buzzer goes off, and a different therapist who has never worked with me before is demanding I try aqua therapy. I have no idea why this woman thought it was okay to butt in, why her opinion was more valuable than someone else's, or why she's being pushy with me. I was told by my surgeon to not do anything painful or beyond me, not to do anything that involved pushing or pulling weight with my torso. But instead I already feel the labels forming in everyone's heads that I am resistant, that I'm not following the best course of treatment, that I'm difficult to treat and deal with. I chose the PT provider very carefully based on reviews and location (because I knew if I went farther than five miles from home, I wouldn't make it). I even do some of the exercises at home on my own.

I'm really hurting physically, and also exhausted all around. And right when I need lifting up the most, people are falling away, not responding to messages, not taking calls, sure I could do that with you and then not showing up. When you smile, the world smiles with you but damned right I cry very much alone. and yeah, if my mom was here, things would be so much different. But she's not, and we've got nothing but a bunch of broken promises.

I can't wait to see this new doctor, new primary. Hopefully he'll be willing to stick with me and find out why I'm so tired. Who knows, maybe he'll even find something in the charts Dr. Drive Thru missed.

I was only dreaming....

Not much sleep last night. I finally slept for two hours and they woke me for vitals. Couldn't go back to sleep, waited two hours and when I tried to move, found I was in A LOT of pain. They said my BP was too low so I asked them to take it again, since it was two hours later and I was no longer sleeping (!!!) and it was fine.

While I was trying to sleep, I remembered that when I woke up in the PACU, I was trying to tell my nurse I had been dreaming about nail polish.

Waiting for a resident and doctor to be by, then hopefully home! My meds orders are pretty weird, pretty sure they aren't right. Hopefully we can get that ironed out...

My Pink IV

Soooo I had some issues when I was at this hospital for a previous surgery. Anesthesiology grabbed the head nurse, and they have been so nice to me. The first saw my pink iPhone case and gave me a pink IV. They brought Matt behind restricted doors to ease my comfort. Some person of authority asked if she could pull my records from three years ago, and though they can't put me in a private room without paying... I have a double to myself. Coming out of anesthesia was still rough but they treated that pain like an enemy and went at it with all they had, LOL!! I feel OK right now as long as I stay still, but I am able to get up and move around. More tomorrow! XOXO

Go time- almost

I did actually get some sleep. Kiddo seems okay and is off to school. I'm checking in to the hospital in one hour. Everything is packed- poor hub having to drag my crap around! But I guess I'd rather drag crap around than have my back broken under general anesthesia!

Everything's in place the best we can have it. I did some meditation this morning to prepare, thinking about the people I would be dealing with and praying for good communications and a positive outcome and as much pain meds as to keep me comfortable! I wrote down my biggest fears in big letters- being left alone before I'm ready. Anxiety. Insufficient pain management, and waking up in that horrible panic and pain. I hope that will remind me and everyone else what I need.

Time to go get dressed and get out of here. Seeya later!! Positive thoughts!!

F Minus One

GeoTagged, [N43.12721, E76.12784]

This has been a long time coming... I've had back pain for years and years... Chronic for ten but on and off for about fifteen. Pregnancy was the straw that broke this mana's back. Weight gain and balance shifting caused severe sciatic nerve pain, complicated by the fact that they couldn't do much about it until the baby was out due to radiation and med side effect concerns. ("Take some Tylenol." RIGHT.)

I've tried PT, chiropractic, injections, radio frequency ablation and all sorts of "This is the latest thing that is supposed to be a miracle for chronic pain patients" meds. Some of it worked for a while. Most of it was minimally helpful, except straight up pain meds. I've seen at least four doctors for pain management and finally have a caring staff at a pain center. I looked into surgery a few times, but never got any good prognoses, so I've stumbled along doing the best I could.

My husband and son have been really amazing and understanding. And over the next two weeks I will have to ask them to be even more so. Tonight, if all goes as planned, I'll get a call telling me when to show up at the hospital. Tomorrow, I will be in surgery for about thirty minutes. Afterwards, I will have a four inch incision and a lot of pain- its called a foramenotomy and to put it plainly, the doctor is going to go in and shave bonus extra bone off my foramen on both sides. I was really excited that he agreed to do this procedure without feeling the need to also perform a fusion. And I swear that I will work my butt off to build a great core of strength when this is over so I can avoid more surgeries for as long as I can!!

Why a blog? This isn't an UNcommon procedure. But it seems like there's a ton of info and testimonials about other back surgeries... Just not this one. So I hope by keeping a journal, maybe someone else might be a little less frightened going in. I plan to post as much as I can over the next few weeks, even if it's just a few words. Do I look tired? I haven't slept well... But I hope I'm on my way to a better, happier, less painful me. I will mix in updates with past experiences, but for now I want an accurate record of my journey so when someone asks me, "When you... Was it... Did you...?" I'll have an accurate memory of what it was like to share.